How to Wreck a Pub

Another sour tale by Fallout Machine

The following event is a true story.
Yes, I'm not bullshitting you, this really did happen.

History
High school was an interesting experience for me. I look back at the years and wonder how I made through it alive. I could say right now that I hated high school, but that is a lie. I did have a few depressing days, but the majority of them were amazing. Especially when I switched schools after grade 9, my high school life changed dramatically.

Never had I come across such a vast amount of interesting people in all my life. The new school I was attending had them all, from Class-A retards to the preppy chicks, to the nerdy kid with the glasses and the jocks who act all tough and shit, while deep down inside, they are in angst and cry themselves to sleep every night.

Since I'm in Quebec, Canada, my high school consists of 11 grades. The last two years, I met some real cool people, such as Wisnia and Kane (whom I still speak with them today) to name a few... but the real person I would like to bring up is no other than Marcello himself: the man, the phantom, the Legend.

Marcello is an interesting character. I would have to write an encyclopedia set about him and continually update the history of what he's done throughout his life, or what he's about to do in the next few hours. He is truly a remarkable man. I met him in grade 10 and I have never forgotten about him or the chaotic scenes he's done.

You may all recall the Phantom Shitter story. It has gotten real popular among my friends and fans of this site. What I have told you in that story is totally true and accurate. The event I'm about to recreate in front of you today is a sort-of follow up. A Part Two if you will.

The Story
A while back, I get a letter in the mail. It seems like my high school is having a reunion, and I'm invited to the party. I decide to call up a few friends and see if they're going. Seems like everyone is...except Marcello, because he didn't get an invitation in the mail. I decide to invite him to the party.

I think inviting Marcello to the school party turned out to be a huge grief for the school. I mean, I feel real fucking sorry for the staff of what they had to endure. Marcello chugged down a bottle or two of wine and decided to kick it into high gear from the beginning.

The dinner aspect of the party was somewhat lame. Marcello, my friends and I decided to take a quick break and go on a havok run through the school. We broke a few things here and there... but the real damage was about to begin. Marcello, who was now a walking barrel of urine, decided to water a few doors and drench the carpets with pure, thick yellow piss.

I'm not shitting you. He just pulled his cock out and started bringing down the surrounding environment's pH level to a close 1. For those of you who don't know, urine is acidic, meaning below 7 on the pH scale. This man was loaded with urine, and he was certainly not afraid to use it. In about five minutes, two doors and a a large area of the carpet were drenched in piss. I look at one of the doors and I swear I could see a waterfall of urine.

It didn't stop there. If you think this was bad, you better go take a shit before you read the following.

After the reunion party, we decided to hit up a pub and have a few drinks, mainly watered down beer. We were about seven people. Marcello was with us.

Now, Marcello is the kind of person who likes to see it happening. He wants to enter a bar and see a crowd of people having a blast, or at least hot chicks around so he can pimp them. Sadly, this pub was lacking the two above. It was pretty dead. I mean, what do you expect? It was a Wednesday night after all, but that didn't stop Marcello from causing a ruckus.

Ten minutes in, we're sitting down and decide to order a large pitcher of beer (4L!). Everyone's having a good time, except Marcello, because the place was depressing with no chicks or people to socialize with. The rest of the guys didn't care, but Marcello really wanted to leave and go elsewhere. We 'won' the argument about staying and forced him to stay as well. "Won"? Yeah, right. What was about to happen was one for the history books. Marcello had a plan up his sleeve. Within a few minutes, Marcello leaves for the washrooms. Yes, the washrooms.

Marcello's gone for about ten minutes. The guys and I wonder where he is... until finally, he shows up. Great! Marcello's back, we hand him a beer and go back to drinking. I'm having a good time, until he tells me something I'll never forget. He comes close to my ear and whispers the following:

"Go check the first stall on the left. Men's washroom. Don't laugh."

Suddenly, time stops. I immediately put my beer down, promptly get up, and head towards the washrooms. Wisnia sees this and follows me.

I'm walking real fast to the washrooms now. I open the door, and see two stalls in front of me. The left one he said? I peak inside, and to this day, I have nightmares about it.

A foot long, 6 inches in girth, there lay the most fattest, brownest, dryest piece of shit in history, bar none. This thing was HUGE! I bet scientist's would mistaken it for a tree bark. It was on the seat. It just stood there, looking at me in the face. I was shocked beyond belief. There were skid marks ON THE SEAT too, which really got to me. I don't know if everyone got to swallow this part down, let me rephrase it. There was a huge piece of shit on the toilet seat, and not in the toilet bowl. It was big, brown, fat, wet and real dry from the looks of it. If you were to move it, it would leave a thick trail of baby feces behind. It was a monster. Forget the Phantom Shit he took a while back, this was the real deal.

Immediately, Wisnia starts to cry (laughing of course) and pisses in a nearby urinal. I fall to the floor, in tears as well. How did this happen? How could one man sustain his ass in the air for a long period of time and lay a perfectly well-made cable on the seat with pinpoint precision and execution?

Our fun was quickly ruined when the bouncer walks in. He knew something was up, and I'm pretty sure he could smell it too. He looks in the stall. His face turns to the worse. He leaves the washroom in disgust and anger. Wisnia and I knew this wasn't good news.

We return to our table and see the gang standing up, with two bouncers at our table, along with the waitress waiting for us to pay her for the beer. Fuck.

The bouncer confronts Marcello, and asks: "Why did you just shit in my washroom you stupid fuck? It's a god damn mess!"

And to that, Marcello replies: "I didn't do it man." All smooth and shit.

BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! The bouncer gets real angry now and demands Marcello to clean up the mess. "I saw you walk out and your friends go in! I saw them laughing." To that, Marcello kept denying he did it. We were being asked to leave now.

The bouncer was so pissed, you should've seen him. He was about to kick our ass. We ended up leaving safely though, but what sucks is that I had to cover the beer cost (since no one carries any cash, sigh) and none of us got to drink 1/4 of the pitcher! What a waste... but it was well worth seeing Marcello stir shit (literally) up. I feel sorry for the place, I wonder which poor fool had to clean the stalls tonight.

To this day, I believe Marcello did that to simply make us all leave, since he hated that place anyway. No one will ever know. This is a mystery that I'll never solve. Case closed.

The end.
- FM

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